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How Are You Marking the Anniversary?

How are you marking the anniversary?

A couple of people have asked.

The date our whole world changed; 

The day you tragically passed.

But missing you doesn’t go away.

Nor do the hopes we had for you.

So a specific calendar date, 

Doesn’t change my point of view.

So how are we marking 5 years?

With an acknowledgement that time feels weird.

And that last time we saw you feels so real,

Yet only memories have filled the last 5 years.

But we treasure all memories of you ,

Filled with stories that I love. 

And I hope the message gets through,

If you are watching from above.

Today I hope you see us celebrating, 

All the things that you stood for.

Starting of course with food,

And sausages that you adored!

A day full of bravery,

Of boldness. and mischief.

Because celebrating your spirit,

Is way better, than wallowing in grief.

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Four Years Ago Today

It has been four years since you’ve been gone,
We miss you terribly, although we plod on.
I can’t believe half your lifetime has since passed,
And October 2019 was filled with our lasts.


This calendar date and the exact month leading to,
Contain so many memories of what you went through.
But your illness was short, for that I must give thanks.
Your time on this earth was mainly filled with happiness (and pranks).


So instead of dwelling on this rather sombre day,
I’ll try and reflect in a Jessica way.
Be bold, be brave and move forward at pace,
Everything you did felt like a race!


If I was tell you about day to day life for us now,
I’d tell you we always carry you with us, somehow.
Your love of sausage sandwiches is a new family tradition,
And for each significant event there’s a Jess poem addition.


Your spirit is still warmly felt, and we have lots of pictures and your things,
And you’re still always with me, in one of my rings.
Oli’s back of martial arts, in memory of you,
Your strength and your courage inspires all that we do.

Team Jess have raised lots, you’ve inspired so much good,
So children like you can have a childhood like they should,
Fundraising has filled so many of our days,
Runs, writing books and other ingenious ways.

So although I can’t tell you, in person anyway,
That your memories live on, every single day.
If you can see us somehow, you’ll know how much we wish you were here,
And how we will ALWAYS all keep you, incredibly near.

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Day of Memories Take 2


Today was the second time I joined #Candlelighters on their Day of Memories. For me, that meant a day full of emotion, a whole lot of tears and sadly, recognition that this club we all find ourselves part of is far too big. Sombreness aside, it was a beautiful event, with some amazingly talented performers and it was a honour to be able to share some of my own words of poetry with the group too. The power of memories is so bitter sweet, and I for one thought you got the balance spot on. And for the beautiful flowers too. – thank you

The power of a memory,

Is the most magical thing I know.

It takes you momentarily back,

To a place you can no longer exactly go.

The power of a memory,

Is a force that can be hard to hold in.

Perhaps sparked by an object, 

Or perhaps by a place you’ve been. 

The power of a memory,

Evokes often a smile, sometimes a tear on your cheek.

A momentary time hop,

To when you could see each other, touch and speak.

But the power of a memory, 

Whilst it can fill you with joy or leave you sad,

Is a super way to remember,  

The shared times together, the joint experiences that you had.

So the power of a memory,

Is something I’ll always, always treasure.

And by holding my memories so closely,

Past and present now thrive in equal measure.

For me my memories are focused,

On a super girl, eternally aged eight.

But I hope the power of a memory is something, 

To which most people will relate.

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Two Years Gone – Tears and Ripped Tears

Two years without you,

A quarter of your earthly years.

Inwardly still torn into pieces,

Inwardly flowing with tears.

Two years without you,

Memories are all that hold you near.

Most are thankfully still vivid,

And for a brief moment you reappear.

Two years without you,

So many reasons to feel sad.

But I don’t think you’d like that,

It’s not the mindset that you had.

So tears and ripped tears still present,

As we crave for the past.

But we try to live for the moment,

Because life slips by so fast.

I think you’d kind of like ,

That to honour you on this day,

We smile at the happy memories,

That forever with us will stay.

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Happy Birthday Jess 8+2


Today you’re 8+2,
But really you should be ten.
To celebrate with you, 
I’d love to do that again!

But sadly you’re not here,
You grew your angel wings.
But rather than shed a tear,
We’ll do your favourite things.

We’ll go to the park, 
And climb around like loons!
But I’m afraid we can’t shimmy up the bark,
Like you so readily could do!

We’ll go out and eat,
You definitely loved your food.
A little extra treat,
Which was sure to lift your mood.

And whilst we can’t buy gifts for you,
To others we can donate.
It seems like something you’d want to do,
You liked gifting when you were eight.

So although you’re not still here,
And you can’t celebrate.
In our thoughts you’re very near, 
And we’ll mark your two plus eight.

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Christmas Cheer (or Fear!) Has Landed.

We put our Christmas tree up this week…a time of mixed emotions if I’m honest. On the one hand, it’s nice to spread some cheer with Christmas lights, and who doesn’t like the odd Christmas song, or the legitimate excuse to have ‘just a small one’, because ‘it is Christmas’, but on the other hand, I feel a surge of dread for what will undoubtedly be another sea of ‘brave face moments’. It’s not that the feeling of life without Jess is any worse at Christmas, but it doesn’t half shine at light on it (pardon the pun!) and act as a stark reminder of some of the ‘should haves’ that will add to the ever growing list of things that Jess never got to do; we should have been thinking about seeing Santa ( in a COVID secure way as we now know), probably the last time Jess would have believed, we should have been ordering some Jess designed Christmas cards from school, we should have decorated (and then redecorated the tree together), the list goes on. And somehow the loss feels all the more real as we get a brief respite from COVID restrictions, and people celebrate that they can see loved ones over Christmas….well, most people anyway. Of course, I’ll put on my game face , my plastic smile that seems to reside in my pocket now more than ever and be thankful for all the lovely family and friends with us. I am a firm believer, now more than ever, to treat the present as a gift, because you never know what the future holds.

All of that said, Christmas is generally a lovely time, there is nothing quite like the feeling of everyone being just that little bit more jovial because it’s Christmas and with lots in the world to be gloomy about, who doesn’t like a little bit of fun and cheer. As I can’t celebrate old traditions in quite the same way, I’ll be starting a new one – this year a Christmas poem instead of Christmas cards. Poetry was Jess’ gift to me… I never quite new I had a vaguely creative side until after Jess passed away, so what better way to honour Jess at Christmas. And whilst Christmas can be a very challenging time for many of us, like some famous person once said, the show must go on…..

Merry Christmas everyone and thanks to all those who have supported Team Jess this year.

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Day of Memories – Thankyou Candlelighters

Today was the first ever Day of Memories that I’ve attended. I’ve been invited to a couple of, ‘remembering days’ held by other groups since Jess passed away, but never quite felt in a place where I could go. But I felt different about today’s event, held by Candlelighters. For the month of Jess’ illness , I saw more of the Candlelighters and hospital team than anyone else I know. And whilst being in hospital is no fun for anyone, the team really did do their best! I will never forget the kindness shown by such a fabulous team, so it felt fitting to join their event. All the same, I was apprehensive about what to expect. Like the other families, watching the event meant we are part of a club that no one ever wanted to be a part of in the first place, and to be honest I wondered if remembering so many lost children would be too much; one loss is tragic, never mind more. But I was surprisingly comforted by the Day of Memories, the unity of it all and of seeing some familiar faces who looked after Jess so well when she was in hospital.

With it being my first event. I can’t comment on the differences between a virtual event and an in person one, but it running remotely meant complete strangers were spared my rather unattractive ‘bawling my eyes out’ look, so that part was probably a benefit . 😀 It was nice to see other people’s memories and to write my own tribute in the memory book too. I lit my beautifully fragranced candle and made a Jessica bracelet. It’s the first time I’ve done anything remotely like that since Jess was here in person, and it reminded me of times we used to sit and do things like that together 😀. When we chose to support Candlelighters with fundraising shortly after Jess passed away, I knew how valuable your service was and how much we’d already benefited from you being there in the short time Jess knew you. Today only reinforced my sentiments. Thank you for all you do. ❤️

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A Year of Firsts that Nobody Ever Wants to Face.

This weekend, it has been a whole year since we lost Jess. It goes without saying that it has been more than horrible and we miss Jess more than words can say. But we’re slowly adjusting to life without Jess, with new chapters having been started and somehow managing to make it from one day to the next, mostly with dry eyes now and sometimes even with a smile 😀. Massive thank you to our friends and family for getting us here and helping us to yo – yo between living in the present and remembering the past, between trying to keep positive yet still mourning a tragic loss, between doing lots of new positive things, but all because of Jess. You can read more about our first year of life after Jess in my favourite new way – a poem. Jess’ Nana has written one too.

https://www.teamjess.co.uk/one-year-on

https://www.teamjess.co.uk/in-memory-of-jess-one-year-on-by-nana/

We’ll be spending some time at the beach this weekend, because Jess would have loved that. I hope wherever she is, Jess sees what we’re up to and smiles with her ‘butter wouldn’t melt’ smile, remembering we’ll always be together forever in spirit. ❤️