3 Years Gone

Sometimes it’s incredibly difficult to separate how you actually feel from how you think you should feel. Today is one of those days.

I looked down at the concrete,

Grey and cold and bare.

So many times we’ve been here,

But now you’re no longer there.


Your 3 year ‘departversary’,

And our loss feels so severe.

I’ve been trying to muddle through,

Behind a positive veneer.


And then from out of nowhere,

A rainbow reflects from the glass wall.

“Mum will you STOP getting upset;

I’m still with you after all!


I’m with you in your heart,

Although I’m not standing exactly there.

I’n trying to send some signs,

That I’m actually EVERYWHERE.”


You know that I’d have loved that,

I was so much larger than life.

I always said I’m greedy,

And now I’ve got an afterlife!


So I’m not sad and gloomy,

I want you to feel that too!

Even though I was only eight,

When life as we knew it was through. 


This rainbow that’s before you,

Shows the full and vibrant life that I had.

And although you miss me deeply,

Please focus on all the fun. Don’t be sad.”

Happy Birthday Jess! 8+3

Happy eleventh birthday,

Wherever you may be.

Your third on your own…😢

So here’s a picture of you being three.

Making your favourite buns,

And looking super sweet. 

One of your favourite things to do,

Especially the last part; eat!

So whilst today is tricky,

And we feel really sad. 

We’ll try very hard to remember, 

The happy birthdays that you had. 

Day of Memories Take 2


Today was the second time I joined #Candlelighters on their Day of Memories. For me, that meant a day full of emotion, a whole lot of tears and sadly, recognition that this club we all find ourselves part of is far too big. Sombreness aside, it was a beautiful event, with some amazingly talented performers and it was a honour to be able to share some of my own words of poetry with the group too. The power of memories is so bitter sweet, and I for one thought you got the balance spot on. And for the beautiful flowers too. – thank you

The power of a memory,

Is the most magical thing I know.

It takes you momentarily back,

To a place you can no longer exactly go.

The power of a memory,

Is a force that can be hard to hold in.

Perhaps sparked by an object, 

Or perhaps by a place you’ve been. 

The power of a memory,

Evokes often a smile, sometimes a tear on your cheek.

A momentary time hop,

To when you could see each other, touch and speak.

But the power of a memory, 

Whilst it can fill you with joy or leave you sad,

Is a super way to remember,  

The shared times together, the joint experiences that you had.

So the power of a memory,

Is something I’ll always, always treasure.

And by holding my memories so closely,

Past and present now thrive in equal measure.

For me my memories are focused,

On a super girl, eternally aged eight.

But I hope the power of a memory is something, 

To which most people will relate.

J.E.S.S.I.C.A. E is For……

So we’re just back from our second family holiday without Jess. Following the J.E.S.S.I.C.A. new holiday tradition meant we were destined for somewhere beginning with E…… easier said than done with COVID restrictions still in full force. Not ones to be beaten, we decided to think a little creatively and settle on ‘eeeeek…let’s go back to the very place where Jess had her last holiday .. and relax in an equisite apartment, exceptionally near the beach!’ And whilst the holiday made me conquer a fair few firsts (seeing places we’ve not seen since Jess was with us in person), we remembered lots of happy Jess memories too; digging holes, pushing boats, playing on the beach, eating well and buying football shirts to name but a few, whilst making a few more she would have loved…….. not least eeeeeeek there’s a massive boat following us! Of course we’ll always miss Jess and holidays will never be quite the same again; after all we’re a 5 not a 4 and an honoury bear….but Jess was very much with us in spirit and I’m fairly sure Jess would have loved the adventure of it all.😄

Bearing Memories of Jess!

If Jess was still with us, I think it’s fairly safe to say that she would have long since outgrown her favourite clothes and no doubt some would have made their way into capes/dresses etc for some of her bears! So when I heard about the option to turn some of Jess’ old clothes into a memory bear, it seemed perfect and very fitting for Jess… pardon the pun! Today I received the finished articles – two matching bears made from 6 of Jess’ items of clothing – and I love them! They captures Jess’ ‘into everything’ spirit perfectly. One has taken pride of place in my newly created office… ‘bearing’ down on me as I work! Jess never did get to come and work with me like she wanted, so all in all it feels like another perfect way to keep Jess’ memory living on. The other has gone alongside her brother’s memory box along with some other special keep sakes. Massive thank you to 3 To Thread, we’re delighted with our new additions (although 1 out of 2 people might be too cool to admit it publicly) 😀

18 Months Since Jess Was Diagnosed

If you’d asked me a couple of years ago, I’d say I’d never been too bothered about anniversaries and dates. Of course, I’d mark the key ones, but smaller dates often passed me by, only for me to realise a few days later. Since Jess got ill, I’ve never been a fan of the 18th of the month; Jess was diagnosed on the 18th of September and passed away on the 18th October. Today is not only the 18th, but also 18 months to the day since Jess was diagnosed. Too many 18s, you might say, but wanting to mark the occasion, I decided to take dedicate some time to doing something in memory of Jess.

A few months ago, the Harvey Hext Trust very kindly made us a memory box for Jess’ brother, to store all of his favourite Jess memories. Of course, when I asked him what he wanted to put in there, the list was endless – so many precious memories, how do you capture them all and put them in a box? I’m still not sure we’ve got the optimum inventory (it feels a bit like answering the question what would you take to a desert island!) but at least we’ve made a start and the lid closes now so that’s definitely progress. Thanks Harvey’s Hext Trust, it’s lovely to have an extra special place to save some of the fondest memories.

Day of Memories – Thankyou Candlelighters

Today was the first ever Day of Memories that I’ve attended. I’ve been invited to a couple of, ‘remembering days’ held by other groups since Jess passed away, but never quite felt in a place where I could go. But I felt different about today’s event, held by Candlelighters. For the month of Jess’ illness , I saw more of the Candlelighters and hospital team than anyone else I know. And whilst being in hospital is no fun for anyone, the team really did do their best! I will never forget the kindness shown by such a fabulous team, so it felt fitting to join their event. All the same, I was apprehensive about what to expect. Like the other families, watching the event meant we are part of a club that no one ever wanted to be a part of in the first place, and to be honest I wondered if remembering so many lost children would be too much; one loss is tragic, never mind more. But I was surprisingly comforted by the Day of Memories, the unity of it all and of seeing some familiar faces who looked after Jess so well when she was in hospital.

With it being my first event. I can’t comment on the differences between a virtual event and an in person one, but it running remotely meant complete strangers were spared my rather unattractive ‘bawling my eyes out’ look, so that part was probably a benefit . 😀 It was nice to see other people’s memories and to write my own tribute in the memory book too. I lit my beautifully fragranced candle and made a Jessica bracelet. It’s the first time I’ve done anything remotely like that since Jess was here in person, and it reminded me of times we used to sit and do things like that together 😀. When we chose to support Candlelighters with fundraising shortly after Jess passed away, I knew how valuable your service was and how much we’d already benefited from you being there in the short time Jess knew you. Today only reinforced my sentiments. Thank you for all you do. ❤️

A Year of Firsts that Nobody Ever Wants to Face.

This weekend, it has been a whole year since we lost Jess. It goes without saying that it has been more than horrible and we miss Jess more than words can say. But we’re slowly adjusting to life without Jess, with new chapters having been started and somehow managing to make it from one day to the next, mostly with dry eyes now and sometimes even with a smile 😀. Massive thank you to our friends and family for getting us here and helping us to yo – yo between living in the present and remembering the past, between trying to keep positive yet still mourning a tragic loss, between doing lots of new positive things, but all because of Jess. You can read more about our first year of life after Jess in my favourite new way – a poem. Jess’ Nana has written one too.

https://www.teamjess.co.uk/one-year-on

https://www.teamjess.co.uk/in-memory-of-jess-one-year-on-by-nana/

We’ll be spending some time at the beach this weekend, because Jess would have loved that. I hope wherever she is, Jess sees what we’re up to and smiles with her ‘butter wouldn’t melt’ smile, remembering we’ll always be together forever in spirit. ❤️

School Commemorative Event

So unfortunately the commemorative event at Jess’ old school has had to be postponed – COVID 19 strikes again! It was to be expected really given the unprecedented times we find ourselves in, but a shame nonetheless. The good news is the school will be doing a fancy dress day on the 23rd October instead, raising funds to share between the school and their chosen charity for childhood cancer.  Thanks Westerton, Jess would have loved dressing up 👍🏻