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8 + 7

Today you would have been fifteen.
So how did we mark the date?
We dug a huuuge hole in the sand.
At the same spot you did when you were eight.

Armed with our rather large shovel,
We did what you loved to do.
We were exactly where we shared our last holiday,
So it felt like the perfect thing to do.

It was a perfect summer’s evening.
Very much like when we were here with you.
We dug until we could no more.
And then mischievously climbed in like you would do! 

Although we had lots of fun,
And harnessed your energy, being bright and breezy,
The huge hole left by you,
Is of course very much far from easy.

The metaphor was abundantly obvious,
That with the hole the sand changed form.
A gaping void left without you,
And life having to find a new norm.

And the proximity to the shore line,
A symbol of life’s fragility. 
That all of sudden the tide can wash things away,
Regardless of perceived stability. 

Oblivious to the hidden meaning, 
Eight year old you would have loved being at the beach.
And for us it was a poignant way, 
To mark that you’re sadly out of reach.

But sadness wasn’t your style,
You were brave and bold and fun loving.
So we focused on the hole,
And kept on with our shovelling!

So happy birthday, Jess!
As always, we mix celebration of your life with immeasurable sadness.
But I’m thankful fo the 8 years we had you,
Your love of life, spirit and incredibly lovable madness :)
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How Are You Marking the Anniversary?

How are you marking the anniversary?

A couple of people have asked.

The date our whole world changed; 

The day you tragically passed.

But missing you doesn’t go away.

Nor do the hopes we had for you.

So a specific calendar date, 

Doesn’t change my point of view.

So how are we marking 5 years?

With an acknowledgement that time feels weird.

And that last time we saw you feels so real,

Yet only memories have filled the last 5 years.

But we treasure all memories of you ,

Filled with stories that I love. 

And I hope the message gets through,

If you are watching from above.

Today I hope you see us celebrating, 

All the things that you stood for.

Starting of course with food,

And sausages that you adored!

A day full of bravery,

Of boldness. and mischief.

Because celebrating your spirit,

Is way better, than wallowing in grief.

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8+5 – The Teen Who Could Have Been

Birthdays now are a funny old thing,
A day of celebration and sadness all heaped together.
Of course we remember the greatness you were, 
Whilst knowing painfully we’ll miss you forever.


Birthday memories include your delight at a 5am start,
A party or trip with your friends.
Muktitasking cards, gifts, visits and cake,
Metaphorically burning the candle both ends!


But of course time moves on,
You’d be a teen at thirteen!
Super cool and know your own mind.
So perhaps we’d see a change this year,
From chaos to a little more serene?


I’m guessing of course - it’s impossible to know.
It’s a hunch how you’d have felt and shined.
Memories fuse with speculation and become a big blur.
But your spirit lives on in my mind.


So whilst I fondly remember your very special day,
And the magnificence of all that was “You”.
I mourn so greatly that you never grew up,
To be the wonderful teen who we wish we still knew. ❤️
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3 Years Gone

Sometimes it’s incredibly difficult to separate how you actually feel from how you think you should feel. Today is one of those days.

I looked down at the concrete,

Grey and cold and bare.

So many times we’ve been here,

But now you’re no longer there.


Your 3 year ‘departversary’,

And our loss feels so severe.

I’ve been trying to muddle through,

Behind a positive veneer.


And then from out of nowhere,

A rainbow reflects from the glass wall.

“Mum will you STOP getting upset;

I’m still with you after all!


I’m with you in your heart,

Although I’m not standing exactly there.

I’n trying to send some signs,

That I’m actually EVERYWHERE.”


You know that I’d have loved that,

I was so much larger than life.

I always said I’m greedy,

And now I’ve got an afterlife!


So I’m not sad and gloomy,

I want you to feel that too!

Even though I was only eight,

When life as we knew it was through. 


This rainbow that’s before you,

Shows the full and vibrant life that I had.

And although you miss me deeply,

Please focus on all the fun. Don’t be sad.”

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Start of a New Chapter

Writing has been my way of coping since Jess passed away. Not only has it been my way of sharing news of fundraising and more awareness of leukaemia, but it has also helped me process some of the emotions I’ve felt and helped the fog to lift. I’ve written a guest blog for The Loss Project, all about how grief has led me to write and how writing has helped me grieve. If sharing my story can help someone else, then that has got to be a good thing. You can read more about The Loss Project as well as read my guest blog for them here.