Should Have Days

Since Jess passed away, I find myself most weeks thinking about what should have been happening right now. Right now, Jess should have been in her final term at primary school, completing her controversial SATs, before enjoying a fun filled summer term, with school trips, leavers parties and visits to her new high school. I wonder how she would have handled it all, what she would have said and how she would be looking now. I’m fairly sure she wouldn’t have been phased, and I can almost hear her saying “They’re just some tests and I’ll do my best” as I think specifically today about the SATs her friends are completing! But like so many in my shoes, we’ll just never know for sure. These “should have” days, as I call them, are a stark reminder that there are so many memories we never made together, so many “rites of passage” stolen away.

But whilst Jess not being here is an exceptionally sad situation, I’m pretty sure Jess would not have wanted us to be sad! She was perhaps the most “live for the here and now” person I’ve ever known! So on days like today, when grief sits particularly heavy, I try to remember Jess’ playful spirit. Her love of trampolines (and bouncing back), monkey bars (and hanging on), see-saws (and riding the highs and lows) and leaving footprints in the sand. Jess would definitely approve of that way of looking at things.